Coping with the loss of a horse

Why does losing a horse hurt so much?

Losing a horse hurts so much because it is a genuine bereavement, not a lesser one. The bond between a person and their horse is one of the deepest there is. You may have spent years, sometimes decades, in each other's company through early mornings, long rides, quiet grooming and the ordinary rhythm of daily care. Losing that deserves to be taken just as seriously as any other loss.

It is completely normal to feel shock, numbness, sadness, guilt, anger, or even relief if your horse had been suffering. Many owners are surprised by how physical grief can feel, with tiredness, a tight chest, broken sleep or simply no appetite. These feelings can come in waves, easing for a while and then returning when you least expect them, perhaps at the time you would normally have gone out to the yard.

Please do not let anyone make you feel that grieving a horse is somehow less valid than grieving a person. The love was real, the relationship was real, and so is the loss. Be patient and gentle with yourself. There is no fixed amount of time it should take, and healing rarely moves in a straight line.

How can I remember and honour my horse?

There are many gentle ways to remember a horse: keeping their ashes in an oak casket with an engraved nameplate, scattering them somewhere that meant something to you both, a polished horseshoe, a lock of mane or tail, a planted tree or rose, or a framed photograph somewhere you pass each day. In time, many people find real comfort in creating something lasting that holds their horse's memory, and there is no rush to decide.

If you choose an individual cremation, your horse's ashes are returned to you and theirs alone, which gives you the freedom to keep or place them somewhere meaningful. Some of the gentle ways owners choose to remember a horse include the following.

• Keeping the ashes in a traditional oak casket with an engraved nameplate, or in scatter tubes, so you have something quiet and personal to hold on to
• Scattering the ashes in a place that meant something to you both, such as a favourite hacking route, a corner of the field, or a spot you often rode past together
• A keepsake you can hold, such as a polished horseshoe, or a lock from the mane or tail, gently cut and kept
• A small memorial at home or in the garden, perhaps a plaque, a planted tree or rose, or a framed photograph in a place you pass each day
• A simple ritual or moment to say goodbye in your own way, whether that is alone, with family, or with friends from the yard who knew your horse too

How do I look after myself while I am grieving?

While you are grieving, keep to small, steady routines: eat something even when you do not feel like it, drink water, rest when you can, and let yourself feel it rather than bottling it up. Grief takes a real toll, and looking after yourself is not selfish, it is necessary.

Let yourself feel it. Tears, quiet days and the need to talk are all part of grieving, and bottling everything up rarely helps. Talk to people who understand, whether that is family, friends, or others at the yard who knew and loved your horse. Sometimes the people who keep horses themselves are the ones who understand best, because they know exactly what has been lost.

Be ready for the difficult moments that catch you off guard, such as the empty stable, the unused headcollar, or the quiet at feed time. Some owners find it helps to keep busy for a little while, while others need to step back. Both are fine. If your sadness feels overwhelming, does not ease over time, or starts to affect your daily life, please do reach out to your GP or a bereavement support service. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

What should I do with my horse's tack and belongings?

There is no right time to deal with a horse's tack, rugs and belongings, and nothing has to be decided in the first weeks. Some owners put everything away in a box and come back to it months later, and that is a perfectly good answer.

When you are ready, owners tend to do one of a few things. Many keep one small item that carries the most memory, such as a headcollar, a name plate from the stable door or a favourite browband, and let the rest go. Rugs, boots and unused feed are often passed on to a friend at the yard or donated to an equine welfare charity, which many people find comforting because it does some good. Well kept saddles and bridles can be sold in time, and a saddler can advise on what a fitted saddle is worth.

If seeing the tack is painful, ask someone you trust to move it out of sight for you until you feel able to decide. There is no obligation to be practical quickly, and doing it in stages is completely normal.

• Keep one small item that holds the most memory, such as a headcollar or a stable name plate
• Pass rugs, boots and unopened feed to a friend at the yard or to an equine welfare charity
• Sell well kept saddles and bridles in your own time; a saddler can advise on value
• Ask someone you trust to move things out of sight until you are ready to decide
• There is no deadline, and doing it in stages is completely normal

How do I tell a child their horse has died?

Tell a child in simple, honest, age-appropriate words, avoid phrases like put to sleep that can confuse a young child, and let them know it is alright to be sad, to cry and to ask questions. When a family horse dies the grief is often shared, and children in particular may be feeling it deeply, so reassure them that their feelings are normal.

Including children in a small way can help them say goodbye. They might choose a keepsake, draw a picture, help plant something in the garden, or share a favourite memory. Giving them a gentle, active part in remembering can make a painful loss feel a little more bearable.

Remember that other people connected to your horse may be grieving too, including family members, friends at the yard, sharers, or a regular instructor. A kind word between you can mean a great deal at a hard time.

Do horses grieve when their companion dies?

Yes, horses do grieve. A horse who has lost a close field or stable mate may call out, become restless, go off their feed, pace, or simply seem flat and withdrawn for a while, because horses form strong attachments to their companions.

There are gentle steps that can help settle a grieving companion. Try to keep their daily routine as steady and familiar as you can, as predictability is reassuring. Make sure they have company, whether that is another horse nearby, more time turned out alongside others, or simply more contact and quiet attention from you. Some owners find that allowing the companion to see the horse who has died can help them understand the loss, though this is a personal choice and not always possible.

Keep a close eye on the horse left behind in the days and weeks that follow, watching their eating, drinking and general demeanour. If you have any concerns about their health or wellbeing, speak to your vet, who can advise on the best way to support them.

Who can I talk to about losing my horse?

You do not have to carry this alone. National pet bereavement support services such as the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Support Service, your own vet practice, and our team on 01376 331136 are all there to talk to, and speaking to someone who understands animal bereavement can make a real difference in the early weeks when the loss feels rawest.

Those national services offer free, confidential and compassionate support to anyone grieving an animal. They are run by people who understand how deep the bond with an animal can be, and how genuine the grief is when that bond is broken. You can find their current contact details on their own website.

Your own vet practice can also be a source of kindness and practical guidance, and many will gladly point you towards local support. And please remember that our own team is always here. If you would simply like to talk things through, ask a question, or are not sure what to do next, you are very welcome to call us on 01376 331136 or email info@wmartinandson.co.uk. We have walked alongside families through this loss for many years, and we are always happy to listen.

If it would help to read more

When you are ready, our guide to what to expect when your horse passes away explains the practical steps, from speaking to your vet to arranging collection. If you would like your horse's ashes returned to you, individual equine cremation keeps your horse on their own throughout, and our memorial and keepsake options include oak caskets, engraved nameplates, polished horseshoes and mane or tail cuttings. You are always welcome to talk to our family team in Braintree, or call 01376 331136.